I know I have been rather inactive in the past few weeks; a truckload of midterm exams have kept me busy and now with the graduation exams (Abiturprüfungen here in Germany) coming up I should be spending my precious Easter break learning.
Instead, I stayed by some friends up in Hamburg and we visited the yearly Islamic convention "Vereint Im Islam". It was my fourth year there and it was still an exciting and educational experience as it was when I went there for the first time. I always feel a lot calmer spiritually afterwards, but also very much ashamed of the sins I've committed the past year. I mean, I shouldn't be complainingwith all the luxuries I enjoy in a developed country, but it is hard to juggle between the values of my home culture and the Islam, and the Christianized/"liberal" morals of my usual environment.
At the end of the day I can't help but feel very much two-faced, like I'm betraying myself, slipping from the one facade of the careless free-spirited girl to a studious self-aware Muslima. It's a never-ending disadvantage for people like me, who are quick to adapt to the environment they are in, but can't stay true to themselves. My greatest wish is to combine both of my worlds, but with my lack of courage it's near impossible.
Exactly one of the reasons why I admire my little sister greatly, who, though in the same situation like me, still manages to be her.
Another thing that stayed in my mind during my visit was one's role as a side character in another one's (love) story. Surprisingly I didn't feel sadness or discontent in my own experience, although I usually enjoy being in the spotlight; I strangely felt content in being the friend one can borrow a shoulder from. Call me selfish, but I was glad to be the one not having problems (comparatively). Though I also realized that my problems are significantly more mundane than my friend's. And in that degree of unimportance I felt myself wishing to stay in this seesaw of triviality, although I know this is originated in my cowardice and fear to confront my future. I'd rather continue being the main character's bestie and confidant than writing my own story.
I'm not saying I will never be my own main character, but being a minor character in a clear plotline is better than a protagonist longing for a happy ending without any clue which roads to take to get there.